What if you’ve been married a few times, and it hasn’t worked out? How can you make sure your Next Big Relationship is the great success you've been yearning for?!
The Question for DrAlex:
Dr Alex, I’ve been married three times, not sure what’s gone wrong but for all of them it wasn’t anything dire… it just didn’t work out. Now I’ve met someone I’m really fond of, no great shakes. I think it’s a go’er, and we could get really good together.
I feel I should be asking about whether you think this relationship is a go’er but actually what I want to know is: do you know, have there been studies, that tell you what people did to get it right in the end?
Dr Alex answered this question for RadioRescue on ‘The Best People We Know Show’ with Deb Scott as a Valentine’s Special…
Listen to the segment here
This question is for you if you’re one of the many people who have had a number of big relationships and are looking for insight for the next one… which you hope will last AND be everything you're dreaming of! And why not...
"So many people assume their next relationship will be that much less of a tummy-churner, and that much more tricky... and yet as you get to know yourself more through life and living, you have a wonderful chance of achieving the relationship that really enables you to hit the heights you've always dreamed of, both as an individual and as a member of a far-more-richly resourced 'twosome'!"
Here’s what we focused on:
Dr Alex speaks about some studies that have looked at these challenges and cited one article that explains how letting go of the past is an important emotional step – here’s the link to the Heathland Article by Francine Russo
Dr Alex explains that facets of relationships mentioned in the article – such as communication, changing some old habits, not talking about money etc – are important and useful, but in her opinion these things don’t really address the most fundamental issues.
Dr Alex’s view is that if we haven’t gotten it right after a few times – and we understand just how many things can go wrong! – really we need to get naked with ourselves and dig deep to get some answers.
Not least of all because each successive relationship stands to be that bit more complicated than the last, and one’s confidence in one’s self in relationships can get eroded as we suffer more and more setbacks or disappointments.
But it does not necessarily need to be so! You can change!
You can change at the level of behaviours (as this article largely suggests) or you can fundamentally interrogate yourself and get really true to Your Best Self… so you can be your best in Your Next Big Relationship (or, indeed, in the one you’re currently in!).
Dr Alex also makes a ‘tough love’ critique of the way the person asking this question seems to be approaching the problem – in that it suggests a laissez faire approach. So she suggests some really hard-hitting ways of starting to address the possible shortfall that might follow from this trajectory, so that this person can instead look brightly towards a future in which they reach their full potential.